"RICHES TO RAGS"

 

BOAT OWNING

 

 

    I am a boat owner!  Well, a three boat owner, actually.

 

    Until April of this year I had never owned a boat  in my life - my old Montgomery Ward plastic canoe did just fine for many years.  Then we made one of our trips to Grand Isle, Louisiana, for some fishing - and I developed BOAT FEVER!  Boat fever is a severe and incurable attack of "boatamitis", usually accompanied by sweats, neck craning, violent contortions of the upper body when a boat is passed on the highway, excessive staring at trailers, boats, motors - and a wallet reach-for reflex - and I had it bad!

 

    After numerous and often loud 'discussions' with my wife, we mutually agreed that I could "BEGIN" to look at boats.  Here is where the male and female mind splits on details - she thinks "BEGIN" means to slowly study, research, consider, then analyze the finances and pros/cons of boat owning.  WRONG!  To a male, "BEGIN" is to go out, find a boat, buy the boat, then bring it home with all the pride of a skilled warrior/hunter back in the cave man days.

 

    A friend heard of my disease and gave me a totally free 16 foot flat-bottomed aluminum boat and trailer - said items taken from their pasture after many years of standing idle.  My future son-in-law then informed me he would bring down a boat motor (which I thought he meant for free).  This sparked a surge of affection for him which resulted in my hiring a fishing guide (for $250/8 hours) to a day afloat.  In that eight hours we managed one 4 1/2 pound bass - that's  all.

 

    Then I find out (via my wife) that this immaculate 1955 25 HP Evinrude motor will cost me $400.  So much for the affection and the $250 fishing trip.  O.K., $400 isn't bad for a boat/motor/trailer.  Next I made a list of "essential" items this boat MUST have - and off to WalMart I went, marching proudly like a good little tin soldier.  Somehow, when I exited the WalMart doors, I was $950 more broke than when I had entered.

 

    I installed all of my essential items in that boat, and I was so proud!  Then I took it out to use it.  Launching was a trial from Hades which I shall not dwell upon, just say most men do not stand in water neck deep to launch a boat - nor do they need a tow truck to pull the van and boat back up the launch ramp.  I also discovered that pulling a starter rope at my age was bad on the heart - another $697 to have the motor converted to electric start.  NOW I am ready!

 

    I proudly invited my wife to accompany me for the maiden voyage on a nearby lake.  I backed the boat into the water, I launched like a pro, then drove the vehicle/trailer to the parking lot and walked back.  I was shocked to see my wife red in the face as she began shouting mean things at me.  It seems in my zeal to install all my 'essentials' in the boat I forgot to leave room for 'people'.  I went back for the vehicle/trailer and loaded the boat, then sullenly drove us home.

 

    If you have been keeping track and adding this up, you now know that my "free boat" really wasn't by this time.  Then I passed a V-bottom boat/trailer/motor for only $500 - bought it immediately to resell for a profit.  It still sets in my front yard - on sale for $450, and no buyers.  The boat leaks, the motor was totally shot, and the trailer is a piece of junk.

 

    Finally my wife takes over, goes through the classifieds, finds a boat, we go look at it (even took it out on the water), and she buys it for $2,000.  Work needed - NONE!  Sellers paid to have it transported to the marina at the lake.  We paid $925 a year for a covered slip in a new dock (with electricity included).  The insurance for the mandated $50,000 coverage was only $120 per year.  Wonderful boat - a 28 foot Aloha pontoon with a 48 HP Johnson in perfect condition.  I never have to tow it, never have to launch it, and the marina keeps it tuned up for me.  My wife is such a wise and wonderful person!

 

    Now, how do I get my money out of that 'free' boat/trailer/motor - and the second boat too?